Conclusion.

Seeing as the stick is now pretty much empty, it seemed like a good opportunity to briefly conclude this experiment in cheese and armpits.

Well, I didn't get to smell Willy much, and I can't say how bad he reeked at work, but I believe the simple thought that he has been applying cheese to his armpits for weeks is satisfying enough. I guess I was kind of disappointed for a while that the cheese didn't smell any worse in the bathroom, but really, didn't it all work out for the best? I mean, had the cheese smelled too bad, Willy would have suspected something and stopped applying his deodorant. Now we've gone through the whole stick of cheese, and I think we can look at a solid accomplishment here, my friends. We've been effortlessly cheesing Willy for a month, and have turned him into the phillyest of Willies one ever dreamed of, while he has remained completely oblivious to the source of his cheesy body odour. It might have been interesting to see his (probably very aggressive) reaction to realizing that he had been cheesed, but there is also a very pleasant charm to the fact that he remains completely ignorant of this matter.

I'm probably leaving next month, so I won't be here to cheese Willy any further, or rather to monitor any process pertaining to his deodorant. But if Willy buys a new stick in time, rest assured it will be loaded with a very fine mixture of smelly ingredients before I leave...

Week 5.

Time has passed. Cheese has been applied to underarms. And yet cheese remains in the stick. This is briefly what can be said after almost three weeks since the last update.

But mostly, things have gotten weirder. For one, I wasn't even sure which was the cheese or the deodorant when I opened up the device this morning to see what was left.


Well, surely the stuff at the bottom is deodorant, and the yellow creamy stuff that's left on top is our cheese, but I didn't remember the deodorant being so transparent. Could a mild chemical reaction have taken place? Who knows what can happen to any substance exposed to cream cheese for so long.

The smell has also become extremely strange and pretty much undescribable. I should start by saying it has never reeked to the point of being unbearable. Well, it smelled pretty awful for a few days, but no smell has really invaded the bathroom these last few weeks. It's as if everything went kind of stale after a while. The lesson here seems to be then that a generous amount of cream cheese left in a deodorant stick simply does not become unbearable.

How could I describe today's smell though? We're past bagels for sure. As I said, the cream cheese smelled quite bad for a few days, and went back to smelling like any regular bagel. But the smell right now... All I can really say is that it is a profoundly chemical smell. Take any random yet obscure product in a garage or factory, and you might come close to what this mixture of cheese and deodorant now smells like. It is repulsive without actually being repugnant. It doesn't smell good, but you might be curious about such a smell and want to have two or three whiffs before you're satisfied with the stench. It's that kind of a smell.

In summary, unrefrigerated cream cheese will yield a smell conforming to the following structure over time: Bagel - Dairy-product-gone-bad - Bagel - unidentifiable chemical product.

Of course, I can't really extrapolate on how the smell will be when amplified by body heat. I haven't seen Willy very often these last few weeks, but I will try to get my nose as close as I can to his underarms this week in order to report on these last stages of this first experiment.

As for the future, new projects are underway as I intend to mess with Willy's armpits with strange and interesting new substances. Stay tuned for more foul odours to come.

Week 2, Day 2.

Surprise! Just when you thought these pictures of a deodorant stick moving around a shelf were getting a bit samey, Willy decided to place it in an exotic location after using it this morning.

Behold, the second shelf:


It seems like we are already coming close to the end of the cheese, and to the remaining deodorant that was placed underneath. On yesterday's pictures you could see white stuff on the right side, which is the deodorant, while the transparent stuff was of course the cheese. As you can maybe see today on this picture the cheese is now concentrated in the middle, and the white stuff is becoming visible all around it :


The good thing about putting back some deodorant was that if Willy was ever to start suspecting something, things would go back to normal naturally, without the need of any intervention.

I must say though, there was a decent amount of cheese in there, so the guy must've put on a pretty thick layer this morning. Perhaps because yesterday he noticed a hint of cheese coming from his armpits and staining his shirt? Well, that's good thinking Willy, put on some more of that deodorant to fight off the nasty smell!

Anyhow, I must admit I didn't get much of a chance to smell Willy as of late. But our good friend P. had the brilliant idea of inviting Willy at his place this evening, and has offered to put his nose to work for this task. I'm sure he'll have interesting odours to report later on.

Week 2, Day 1.

It's Monday!

And did the stick move again? It sure did.

And does the cheese smell worse than ever? Oh yes.

Day 6.

I wasn't expecting this Sunday to be so cheesy, but it seems like someone is about to reek.

First of all, the stick has moved. Willy has been phillyed once again! I think he went to his mom's today. Willy wanted to smell good for mommy, how sweet!


Not only that, but the stick's smell can now be described as borderline offensive. We are coming close to a stench here, my friends. It doesn't smell so much as to invade the bathroom, but after taking the cap off and breathing in through my nose, I grimaced for the first time in this week of cheese. Needless to say, once it meets with the warmth of Willy's underarms, it should yield some interesting results.

Have a look at these pictures and you will see the cheese is becoming somewhat discolored. Part of it has taken the form of a transparent jelly, while the rest is either beige or regular white stuff. The food preservatives are finally losing their grip on the cheese and letting it live its life to the fullest!



I believe we won't be needing Camembert anytime soon.

Saturday Night Willy.

Will Willy go out clubbing tonight? Will he smell like Philly? We sure hope so!

Here's another douche pic on special request:

Comment tu sens ?

Well, I called Willy at work today [untranslatable pun]:

"Hey, Willy, comment tu sens ?"
"Ah, moyen, j'suis dans le rush à job".

And...

Wait for it...

I got to smell him!

How, you ask? Well, he went past me in the living room and I sat in such a way I had my nose mere inches from his armpit when he went by.

I had a big whiff and... it was subtle, but it was there! He smelled like Philly! He didn't even realize! How great is that?

I would like to thank you all, friends, for believing in this project and for your support. It has been a great week, ending with a perfect finale!

The thing I realize now though is that cream cheese is not the stinkiest cheese! No doubt the stink should worsen over the next days though, so keep checking for smelly updates.

If he just keeps smelling like a big bagel with a bovine eye, rest assured I will gladly install a Camembert in his next deodorant stick!

On the Unbearable Ethereality of Smell. Prolegomena to a Post-Post-Structuralist Ontology of Cream Cheese.

[Fig.1: Philosopher using reason to attain a metaphysical plan of cream cheese.]

Well, we finally made it. Of course, we still need to know how cheesy his day will have been, and we must not fear the ultimate challenge: attempting to smell Willy up close. But what if the information pertaining to his day at work was difficult to obtain, and what if he wiped the stuff off because the smell was too bad? What would we be left with?

I think now would be an appropriate time to look back at the last few days, and look at how far we have come. We should ponder our objectives and ask ourselves: what did we expect from all of this? Just a laugh? Karmic equilibration? Or was it mere lowly revenge? Was it perhaps the smell of cheese itself? And does revenge necessarily smell like cream cheese?

In a sense, the essential has been done, now that we know Willy has been cheesed. We can indulge in knowing this. But is that enough?

And if it's not, what sound epistemological principles will we follow in deducing the consequences of the cheese having been applied to his armpits? As a famous philosopher once put it: if a douchebag smells like cheese, but no one is there to smell the douchebag, does the douchebag smell at all?

The difficulty here is of course that smell remains somewhat intangible, and cannot be reproduced or transmitted over the interwebs. I could of course take pictures of Willy coming in from work, for what that would be worth, or I could try to get all Patrick Süskind on you and try to describe the smell for 10 pages.

For now though, I leave you with these thoughts, and will begin by attempting to call Willy at work to try to extract some information on his smell, however difficult that may be.

In conclusion, my friends, I believe whatever feedback we can obtain today, we should keep one very important thing in mind: today is only the beginning.

There is still cheese in the stick.

Day 4.

THE HAM HAS BEEN CHEESED, I REPEAT, THE HAM HAS BEEN CHEESED.

What with the excitement I could only manage a blurry picture of a certain cheese stick.
As you can see though, it has moved, and has most certainly been used this morning (notice the cap has been put on backwards!):



Updates to follow!

Day 3.

What a jerk. Willy called in sick this morning, and so I doubt if he stays home he will be taking any precautions against strong B.O. today.

So the plot thickens again. I am trying to keep the morale up by telling myself the longer this plan takes to blossom, the more satisfying it will be. Tomorrow is Friday and our last chance to see it happen this week. Let's not lose faith, friends.

A few people have asked whether the bathroom has started reeking of philly. Well, surprisingly, it hasn't! I actually had a whiff of the cheese stick this morning, and it emitted a mixed fragrance of bagels and sports. So I believe putting back some deodorant underneath the cheese was a good idea, as it seems to be preventing the smell of cheese from being overwhelming. Remember, we are talking about "Strong Wetness Fighters" here.
Anyhow, should the stick really begin to stink, I will take into consideration the suggestion that was made of placing it in the refrigerator overnight.

Day 2.

I have some sad news for you today my friends. It seems that someone left for work this morning without deeming it indispensable to apply a coat of deodorant to his armpits.

Last night I had given the deodorant stick a slight angle to the left in order to be sure whether it would have moved this morning or not. Well, it hasn't moved an inch.



The plan originally took into consideration the fact that Willy is late for work every single day of the week, and hence is usually getting ready for work in a rush. While this made us confident that the cheese would be applied quickly without being noticed, it seems that this has somewhat backfired, and that being in a rush this morning meant that Willy didn't mind smelling of sweat while attempting to sell cars to his clients.

More evidence that someone ran out of time this morning:



Of course, this is not to say the plan has failed, but only that we will need to wait another day.
I understand the suspense is getting intense for some of you, and believe me, it is for me as well. But bear with me, friends. Soon we will indulge in knowing that our dear Willy has been cheesed, and just how smelly his Thursday will have been.

À demain.

The douchebag revealed.

Just to make it clear which douchebag we are actually talking about, this is him.
I invite you to refer to him as "Philly Willy" if you ever see him on the street.
(I also invite you to click on the photo below to contemplate this marvel of nature in its full-size glory.)


Since I can't tag pictures here I made a practical list of the elements that compose a douchebag:

-Douche hair: check.
-Douche shirt: check.
-Douche cap: check.
-Douche muscles: check.
-Douche tan: check.
-Bovine eye: check.
-Drinking terrible wine: check.
-Not paying bills on time: check.
-Aggressive behavior: check.
-Beats on his girlfriend: check.
-Uncooperative and disrespectful of others: check.

Well, I think that pretty much sums up our Willy right there.
Did I mention the guy is an utter douche? 'Nuff said.

Why Willy?

This blog's original purpose was to inform and entertain close friends who knew about a certain situation going on with my roommate. I understand it has now been linked and is being viewed by people who may not know exactly what the background story to this whole thing is. Hence I offer you a brief summary of how things have come to this.

The short story:

A year ago I bumped into Willy, an old friend from high school, who was looking for a place to stay. Since I was looking for a roommate at the time, it seemed like a good idea that he should move in. But alas, over the years dear Willy had become somewhat of a douchebag, and an aggressive one at that.

I will not go into the details of how much of a douche he has been. Let's just say the overall situation in the apartment has become extremely shitty, to a point where I am now looking to move out next month.

While this is in process of being done, my good friend P. came up with a fairly subtle and benign - albeit foul and smelly - plan to get back to him without really hurting anyone. Essentially, it involves Willy's deodorant stick and cream cheese. This blog's purpose is then to keep any interested parties informed on the origin and evolution of a now Very Philly Willy.

Day 1, Part 2.

I've decided not to wait. The risk is too high and we do not want this plan to fail.
So I went back some 2 hours later to push out and wipe off the remaining deodorant that was blocking access to the precious cream cheese awaiting its warm armpits.

But lo and behold, against all expectations, when I put my nose up to it again, it now smelled of delicious cream cheese!
I decided to wipe a bit off the top anyway just to make sure.



Now I can assure you, my friends, we are in Cheeseland.

Tomorrow will be a great day.

Day 1.

Good news friends, the stick has moved! It seems then that it has been used today by our dear friend Willy.

However, upon removing the cap and impatiently/furiously smelling the stick, I was unable to detect any cheese-like odour. Rather, from it emanated a strong scent of "Pure Sport". It is possible Willy only applied a small quantity and hasn't yet reached the cheese. It is also possible I left more deodorant on top than I thought I had, possibly leaving too much.

So, I must ask for your patience, friends. It might take a day or two before we reach our cheese-tinged destination. Although this has the unexpected effect of building the suspense, I am hoping it will not take too long so that the cheese would actually begin to smell too strong, awaken suspicion, and not be applied to the armpits.

We'll see tomorrow how it goes.

Ugh.

I've just had not one, but two bagels and cream cheese in order to dispose of the evidence without actually putting it to waste. The cream cheese was previously hidden in a refrigerator drawer, so there isn't much of a chance Willy could have any suspicions regarding the source of odours to come (did I mention this guy is not too bright?).

Willy just left for work an hour ago, so I will be checking on our favorite cheese-odorant stick shortly.

Execution of the plan

The Cheese.
Yes, I bought the cheap house brand. I'm not spending anymore than I need on this douchebag!



I chose light cheese in the hopes that it wouldn't feel too greasy or suspicious under an armpit. The texture seemed quite similar to regular cream cheese, though.



Ze ingreedients.



And here, next to a hairspray bottle and 20-dollar hair gel, lies the unsuspecting deodorant stick.



Experience is everything!



2 Clicks / Rub in.
I hope he remembers how to use this.



Non-Medicinal Ingredients: CHEESE.



Apart, but for how long?



Getting closer.



So Happy Together...



The innards revealed.



Deodorant.



Scooping off excess deodorant.



Cheese.



Cheese revealed itself a slightly yellower tint than the deodorant.



The cheese is now in place.



Remaining deodorant.



Putting back some deodorant on the bottom.



Putting things back into place.



There.



The excess deodorant that was left on top was squeezed out
due to a larger quantity of cheese having been added to what was left of deodorant.



Excess deodorant has been wiped off.
All that remains is a thin layer of deodorant, under which lies the cheese.



Strong wetness fighters!



Thanks to the thin layer of deodorant left on top, the odour
should not reveal itself before being applied to the armpits.


That's it!
Updates tomorrow.